You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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