i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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