I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
