Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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