'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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