i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
