How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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