Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
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the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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