im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
