Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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