there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
