Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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