You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
whose parrot is this?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
