When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
