I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
