Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
