your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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