At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
what day is it and did you see me today?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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