i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
