Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang