I am puke
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
