I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
