hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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