I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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