Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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