guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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