My first STD was from a foam party
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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