wanna go halves on a baby?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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