i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
