Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
