Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
