Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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