Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
