Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it hurts more in the daytime
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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