Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
