I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
