if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
