maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
