They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
