you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
