I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
