Plan B is the new Plan A
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My bed smells like the plague
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
