Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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