i wish starbucks made bloody marys
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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