I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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