First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He better not be in your backpack
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
