At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
