I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
