How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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