Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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