I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples