New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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