i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
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Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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