Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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