i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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