"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
