I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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