I think my vagina is haunted
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
worst night to have a conscience
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
