So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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