Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
