i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
