You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
