K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
